im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
