She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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