Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
