smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
