Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
