he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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