I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
