Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
