my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
