I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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