Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
