I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
