are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
