I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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