Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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