if you like me you must not know who I am
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
