Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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