Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Terrible idea I love it
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
