your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Hippo gnu deer
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
