You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Randomize