You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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