I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
