Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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