I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Randomize
