I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
