I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
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