I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
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