You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
