Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
