The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
