Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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