dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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