she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
