either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
