I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
