wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
