I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
They took my balls.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
