My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Drunk is not a location!
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Randomize
