my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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