I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Randomize
