Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
