Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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