I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize
