just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
