i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
