Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
