I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
