The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
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