I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
