FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
