I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
