i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
