3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
