party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
