Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize