this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
You left your underwear on the fireplace
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Randomize
