My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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