Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
