She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
