I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
