i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
