Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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