What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
