I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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